Tuesday, January 21st, 2025
aeven-
I'm in Sweden. You were supposed to be here with me, but things have changed a lot since those plans were hatched. So I'm here alone. I've found myself thinking about you a lot when it comes to loneliness. You used to get on my case about my "inability to be alone" all the time when we were dating. It was hard to explain how wrong you were. You conflated (I think) my desire to spend time with you with a dislike for being alone. I'm alone all the time, and I always have been. I spent much of my childhood sitting alone in the kitchen or in my room entertaining myself. In high school I had a 2-hour commute each way which was totally alone. I cherished that time. I often spent my free periods wandering the neighborhood alone. In fact, if I don't spend 4-5 hours each day alone with myself I start to go crazy. Here, in Sweden, I often go a full day without talking out loud once. And only on the second day do I get frustrated by it. I've gone weeks with my only conversations being with casheers about recipts. I don't struggle with being alone and it confuses me that you thought I did.
I don't doubt that you won't read this. I'm not sure why you'd ever check my website anyway. I saw you deleted all your blog posts a few months ago. I wish I could just be over it, but I'm still so confused about the way things went. Sometimes when I think about it for too long I become convinced that I am unlovable. Fucked up---I literally have a girlfriend who loves me.
Sweden is really beautiful. I invited a stranger to my apartment last night and we had sex for 4 hours. At one point they lay on top of me, and as they pressed the weight of their body onto mine I sighed. They said, "I bet your autistic ass is loving this." At the same time, I said, "I left my weighted blanket in the US." They replied, "So you invite strangers to your apartment to lay on you?" I often think about past versions of me reacting to scenarios in my life---like if high school me knew I invited a stranger to my apartment and sucked their dick they'd freak. Or if college Freshman me knew I bottomed for someone the day I met them! I think sex is a really good way to get to know somebody. Its weird how well I knew you, but how impossible it was to see things coming with you. I never knew when you were going to leave me next. I think that's why I was so scared to attach myself fully---you never felt solid to me. Why would I be solid back?
I'm sorry I love you. I wish it didn't cost me so much.
Annika
Monday, May 13th, 2024
Hi aev!
Today, in my attempts to not be depressed, I have tried to highlight moments of joy for myself. Penny is always reminding me to cherish the good and pleasant moments while they happen. So today I really cherished you. Rather than loose myself in the impending end to our time together, I soaked in the way your eyes crinkle when you think I'm being silly, and the softness of the line between your lip and the rest of your face, and where your earlobe connects to your head, and each of your tattoos. I hope you felt me taking you in. I think you did.
I guess this is a love letter. (I think the reason I am scared about you loving me this much is because I am feeling myself love you more each day and I am scared of what that means and I don't like that I don't have a choice in the matter. I know that's how love works but that doesn't mean I have to like it.) You love love letters I think. Isn't that what shrines are? Yours always feel like that anyway. I really like the shrine you made for me. I don't think I could make one for you--I don't think in words and images. Its hard to put tastes and feelings and smells on the internet. The asymptote is far too infinite for my taste. I like to be precise.
Det är svårt att prata om kärlek på engelska (det är svårt att tala på engelska alls ibland). Jag är så tacksam att du har lärt dig svenska för mig. Det är nog den snällaste saken någon har gjort för mig någonsin. Jag vet att det kan vara svårt för dig att förstå o/e läsa svenska men det är så betydelsefullt att du försöker.
Not to jump around but I figured I'd make my first shrine. I think the idea of hiding shrines around my website is fun. My first shrine is to the movie, Kamikaze Girls. When I write physical letters I like to include other things beyond just the letter. Pressed flowers, photographs, stickers... I think it makes it feel more special, and it only takes a moment to do. I was lamenting that loss while writing the previous letter, but realized this time around that I could link things.
Anyway. I am greatful for your tongue. And your hair and your legs. And stuff. And I'm glad you feel the same. And I'm sorry you're in love with me. I know you say it doesn't make you sad but I'm still sorry.
Yours,
Annika
Wednesday, May 8th, 2024
Dearest aeven,
Thank you for creating the structure of this website for me. I really enjoy sharing this passion with you. You had mentioned wanting to write digital letters to each other. This is my attempt at mixing the joys of physical letters and our love for programming.
I write to you from bed, having spent a fair amount of time this evening figuring out this code. This may be the most complicated page yet. I really love writing letters. During the darkest part of the early pandemic, I became obsessed with the mail. That time period nessesitated slowing down, and what is more slowed down than snail mail in the world of instant messaging. I wrote perhaps 5 letters every day. I sent packages of whatever nonsense I found in my house to my friends. I delighted in the moments I could catch a glimps of our lettercarrier, Melinda, through the window. She was such a bright light througout that time period. We just saw so few people in person at that time.
(Unrelatedly, I have always been a Melinda stan. She has been our lettercarrier for most of my life, and she has attended more of my performances than my parents have. Her voice is bright and her laugh is loud, and I love hearing it down the street as her white truck rattles on our fucked pavement.)
I will gladly show you how to create your own letter page. Hopefully this will even improve more over time. Yippee!
Jag älskar dig,
Annika